The Sickening Survival
by Sugary Snicket
Summary: The Baudelaires get trapped in a car with their two worst enemies! Can they survive this misadventure?
1. Chapter the First

_**Welcome to my incredibly lame fanfic that no one will want to read in a million years!**_

_**If you are here, then you have obviously made a mistake or are being held hostage and are forced to read this, because this fanfic is so decidedly lame that the Baudelaires teamed up with Olaf and all of them started to pelt me with nectarines for making them go through this mess. I just made this up one day when I got bored; I suddenly had this random thought about the Baudelaires and Count Olaf and Esme Squalor stuck in a car together and because I was higher than a kite on sugar, I thought it was a good idea. IT WASN'T. Now, I have this incredibly lame fanfic that no one will want to read in a million years because it's so lame.**_

The Baudelaire orphans sat in the dark, dank trunk of Olaf's car, looking out at the stars through the bullet holes in the trunk's lid. The only sound was Olaf and Esme's constant whispering, with occasional smooching sounds in between, making Violet say "EWWWWW gross!" Klaus shook his head in disgust. It was true that he had glanced through an occasional romance novel every once in a while, and it was also true that he had seen movies with kissing in them before, but the thought of the two evil-doers kissing still made him a bit queasy. "Oonchi," Sunny whispered, which meant "I agree, YUCKO!", even though she was just a toddler and therefore had no real clue as to what may have been going on. She then secretly added "Cleansi," which probably meant something along the lines of "I just hope it doesn't go any further than that!" Her siblings snickered at her comment and secretly wished the same thing. Suddenly, the car stopped, and the Baudelaires heard Esme and Olaf laughing about something.

"My dear," Olaf said, "I cannot imagine life without you. Why, your radiant beauty is enough to outshine the most brilliant of diamonds." "Oh, sugar-pie!" Esme said, giggling. The Baudelaires gagged as they listened in on this. Suddenly, they heard Olaf shifting papers and other items around in the backseat and grab something. "We have spent much time together," Olaf declared in an overly-dramatic way. "And I believe that now is the right time to ask you something I have wanted to for a very long time." The item made a small squeaking noise as it opened, indicating that it was most likely a box. Suddenly, the siblings heard Olaf say "Will you marry me?"

Esme squealed in delight, and the threesome guessed that by Olaf's elaborate proposal, he had just given her a diamond ring, and a large one at that. Their suspicions were confirmed when Esme said "Oh, my gawd, you got me a huge diamond ring! Diamonds are very in right now." Her comment on how diamonds were 'in' almost made Violet laugh out loud, and it took all of her fortitude – the word 'fortitude' means "strength and willpower" – not to. "Yes, my love, yes!" the villainess said, her voice rising higher and higher with each word. The two villains laughed, then Olaf said "Wait here, I'm going to get another surprise out of the trunk for you."

The Baudelaires froze as Olaf opened the trunk. Maybe if they didn't move, he wouldn't see them. But, alas, as you and I both know, the Baudelaires' lives are filled with misfortune, so Olaf saw them the minute he opened the trunk. "Oh, shoot," Violet said, realizing that they had been spotted. "On second thought," Olaf said, "I believe I will give _you_ to my fiancée instead!" Violet quickly picked up Sunny and held her close, trying to keep her from getting hurt, as Olaf grabbed Violet and Klaus by the wrists and threw them into the back seat. He clicked the lock button, then clambered inside after them and shut the door.

"There," Olaf said. "Now all three of you are trapped, and I'm the only one who has the keys." Violet, at this particular moment, just happened to glance outside and notice that Count Olaf's eye-shaped key ring was now lying on the tar-paved ground. "Uh, I hate to be little miss rain cloud," she said, "But you dropped your keys outside." Olaf glanced outside at the key ring and realized in horror that she was right. "What are we going to do?" Esme cried. "We're trapped!" "Call for help," Klaus suggested. "My cellphone battery is dead!" Esme said, "And I left the car recharger at my house! We're doomed!" "What about the locks?" Klaus asked, "Maybe there's some way we could get the locks to pop back up." "No," Violet said in a frustrated tone. "The locks on this model of car are not the kind that you pull on and they just instantly pop back up. These are child-safe locks." "Nobeliev," Sunny said. "I can't believe it, either," Olaf said, "I'm trapped in this car with _you_ three, of all people!" "Yeah, well it's not exactly fun being trapped in this car with you, either!" Violet said in anger. "Passive!" Sunny shrieked. "The baby's right," Esme said, taking a nail file out of her purse. "We aren't going to get anywhere by arguing. Anyway, we have to find a way to get into the backseat; that's where the cooler – along with all of our food - is." "Munch!" Sunny said. Carefully, she bit through cloth, foam, metal springs, and finally through a sheet of metal that, to her, tasted slightly rusty, until she reached the cooler, which had somehow been fed through the seat cushions and plugged into the car's cigarette lighter. "Tada!" Sunny said triumphantly as she opened the cooler. The others, noticing how little food was left inside the cooler, frowned.

"There's only enough food for one and a half days in here!" Klaus said. He buried his face in his hands and added "Great. Just peachy." Of course, you and I know that Klaus was not saying that the fact that there was only a small tub of potato salad, three ham sandwiches, four nectarines, a large bottle of parsley soda, and a bag of Reese's cups in the small cooler was great, and understand that he was neither talking about peaches or being literal when he had said "Just peachy". "We'd better conserve what little food we have," Violet said, dividing a nectarine in half and giving one half to each villain. "We don't know how long we may be stuck here. We may also be able to use the cooler cord to recharge Esme's phone, but I need to see if it's compatible first. Esme, please hand me your phone." "No way!" Esme said. "I will not give up my very stylish, in phone!" The others glared at her, so Esme reluctantly gave the phone to Violet, who checked the recharge port and was pleased to find that it was compatible with the cooler's cord.

"Good," Esme said, as Violet started to split a ham sandwich into thirds, then giving one to Klaus and one to Sunny. "We can use it to call the police and get us out of this mess." "No, no, no," Olaf said, "You know that the police are hot on our trail and the Baudelaire's trail as well. We don't need people saying that either we kidnapped them or WERE kidnapped by them. And how come we have to eat nectarines when you kids get ham sandwiches?" "Because, silly," Esme said, "Exotic fruits are in!" Olaf rolled his eyes, but ate the nectarine anyway. "Incansha," Sunny said, which probably meant something like "I never cared much for nectarines, anyway."

After their meager dinner – the word 'meager' here means "consisting of half a nectarine, or in the Baudelaires' case, a third of a ham sandwich" – there was still the decision of who would sleep where. Sunny could easily fit through the hole in the trunk, so she slept there. Violet helped Klaus clear the junk off the floor and laid some of Olaf's disguises onto it so the junk that they could not remove would not bother Klaus too much. Violet took the seat cushions, and the two eldest siblings agreed to switch on and off in between nights so no one exclusively got the cushions. Olaf and Esme leaned the seats back as far as they could, which was not very far, to make a temporary bed. Violet gazed at the stars through the back window and wondered how long she and her siblings would have to sleep in this car. A week? A month? Maybe even a year? She slept fitfully and questioned this to herself, and by the time she had fallen asleep, she was dreaming of her home in flames, the luminous zero that had plagued her and her siblings during their brief and unpleasant stay at Prufrock Prep, herself running from angry mobs armed with torches and knives, and Olaf watching and laughing in evil triumph somewhere above her.

How's my writing?

_Please contact me at 123-4567 if you have any questions or comments, or just make it easy on you and your phone bill and send me a review. Maybe if you're nice, I'll post another chapter. Maybe._


	2. Chapter the Second

_**Hello! You have reached chapter the second of my lame fanfic! If I haven't already chased you away with the first chapter, this chapter is sure to do the job!**_

_**I Love Mondays! (Hey, the medication's working!)**_

_I don't own the above saying; I found it on a t-shirt. So, sue me. (A/N: Actually, I am the potato salad freak, not Klaus. I just sometimes will give book characters my traits. Seriously, it's fun, you should try it.)_

By the time the first russet rays of sunlight shone into the locked vehicle, the siblings had already awoken and were preparing breakfast. Today's special was potato salad, which Klaus enjoyed very much. Sunny grumbled at the sight of the delicious concoction of potatoes, mayonnaise, celery, and eggs. Potato salad had never exactly been her favorite; it was much too soft for her taste. After Esme and Olaf awoke and ate their helping of the creamy potato mixture, all of them realized just how incredibly thirsty they all were. All except for Esme frowned at the thought of drinking parsley soda. "I read once that a human can go anywhere from three to nine days without liquid," Klaus said. "I suppose we don't _have_ to drink it." Esme suddenly remembered something, and reached inside her purse, pulling out a small slip of paper. "I just remembered," she said, "Parsley soda is out right now. Now we have nothing in to drink." "Who cares about being fashionable when you're trapped in a locked car?" Klaus said, clenching his fists in anger. "In is _always_ important," Esme snapped, once again glancing at the slip of paper. "Great, orphans are out too!" she said, grimacing. She gave a cry of frustration and hit her fists on the dashboard so hard that one of her very long nails chipped. "Oh great," she said, "Now I've broken a nail!" "Well, then maybe you shouldn't grow your nails so long!" Violet yelled. The others in the car just stayed silent for a very, very long time. Olaf broke the silence. "Wow, I always thought that you were polite and nice," he said. "If you were to join up with me, who knows what we could do?"

"I'm not evil and never will be!" Violet snapped. Esme, by now, was whimpering miserably about her broken nail. Violet grabbed at her dress and ripped it, starting a huge cat fight. Esme and Violet continued the fight as the others looked on, Olaf in concern for his girlfriend, and Klaus and Sunny in concern for their sister. "Chompnchew!" Sunny shouted over the racket. Esme managed to push Violet off of her, and Violet crawled into the back seat and laid herself on the floor, making slight whimpering noises that made her sound like a sick puppy. Esme sat in the front and brushed herself off as if it were no big deal.

"Your sister needs help," Olaf said. "I mean like therapy help!" "Crasyhoo?" Sunny asked. "Don't even start," Olaf snapped. "Kookoo," Sunny whispered, and Klaus laughed as Violet suddenly scrambled into the trunk of the car.

Later in the day, it became terribly hot, but affected Violet the most because she was in a trunk. "Esme, dearest," Olaf asked nicely, "Can we please turn on the AC?" "Nope," Esme said, fanning herself. "Why?" Klaus, Sunny, and Olaf said in an exasperated tone. "Because," Esme replied, "AC is very out right now. It should be in sometime this Christmas." "Who," Olaf said, anger rising in his voice, "In their right mind would get rid of AC _IN THE MIDDLE OF FREAKIN' JULY?_" He ripped Esme's list of what was in and out in two and threw it on the floor in his rage. "I'm thirsty; please go send Sunny to get some soda." Klaus and Sunny stared at him for a moment. He had never called them by their names before; he usually just gave them some degrading nickname. "What?" Olaf asked. "Nothing," Klaus said, placing Sunny in the back seat.

"Violet?" Sunny asked. "Wha-what?" Violet responded in fear. "You okay?" "I'm fine," Violet said quickly, but she sounded frightened. "Please don't hurt me!" "Just need soda," Sunny said in a calm manner. There was some shuffling around in the trunk, and suddenly Violet tossed a bottle of the soda at her. "Here. Now please leave me be! Please?" Sunny was worried, but climbed back into the front seat and said "Parsoda". All of them were very thirsty, as you can imagine, and so all of them except Esme grabbed a coffee mug from the glove compartment and poured a glass. As most people know, soda, even if it tastes disgusting, is not exactly the best thing in the world to drink if you are thirsty, but it was the only thing that there was to drink in the car, so they made the best of it. Being so terribly parched, Klaus didn't even notice the disgusting aftertaste, and besides, he was drinking it as quickly as possible. "Burpee," Sunny said doubtfully. "I don't care, I'm very thirsty," Klaus said, handing Sunny a glass. Sunny was not nearly as thirsty, and so noted the taste, but didn't complain. Esme looked on in disgust. "I cannot believe," she said, "that you would drink something so out." "Shut your mouth," Klaus snapped, and even he was surprised by his rudeness. Under normal circumstances, both he and his sisters were usually very well mannered, but these were not normal circumstances. He was trapped in a seventy-five degree car with his worst enemies. The only liquid available was parsley soda. The car's battery had stopped recently, and so their ham sandwiches and potato salad would soon be spoiled, if they weren't already. Violet, his caring older sister, had become afraid of everyone and everything. Esme had begun to whine and whimper, and Olaf was beginning to act…. Nice. He and his little sister were the only sane people left in the entire car, and this would probably not last for long.

At noon, Klaus began to wonder what day it was. At one, he started to feel dizzy and claustrophobic. Soon, he lost all track of time, and I cannot tell you what time it was when Sunny started to chew on the steering wheel and Klaus had to lie down due to nausea and claustrophobia. As each person in the car fell asleep, and as each person wished to escape the car, their wishing would get them nowhere. They were on their own, in a locked car, and each would have to help the other in order to get out of this screaming metal death trap without tearing each other limb from limb.

_**Am I doing good? Do you like my work? Should I continue? Is it sunny wherever you are at? Please talk with me, I crave attention! Reviews are the only thing I have left…. (Snivel)(Insert tragic violin music here)**_


	3. Chapter the Third

_**Hello and welcome to fictionfone! If you are feeling okay, press one on your keyboard. If you are feeling angry, press two now. If you wish to read this chapter, do nothing……**_

_Thanks. I'm glad you like it that much. Please note that I do not own the Baudelaires, but if I did, I would be soooo happy and I would cause even more unbearable misery for them. (I know. I'm mean. Hehehe, poor Klaus! XD)_

The next day, Esme spent the morning trying without success to call the IN council nearly five hundred times in order to find out the latest news. Because she had been placed on hold for the last eight hours, she was sitting on the floor in a fetal position. "Is she going to be all right?" Klaus asked. "Knowno," Sunny said. Olaf was still sleeping, and Violet was still hiding in the backseat, whimpering. (A/N: Sounds like my family in the morning…..) Sunny had all ready asked Violet to give her some food, but all her sister had done was shout that Sunny was going to attack her and then added not to hurt her. Sunny didn't attempt anything further. Yes, it hurt to see her sister acting like that, and yes, she did want out of the car, but she wasn't sure if Violet's fear was going to carry out into the real world. Sunny curled up into a little ball on the car's floor and whimpered miserably, wishing that she were somewhere else.

Klaus, in the meantime, had been watching this whole ordeal and realized how hungry he was. However, he knew it would be useless to ask, and so shifted in his seat, accidentally kicking Esme. Esme started crying, waking Olaf, who promptly screamed something about elves and socks. "What?" Klaus asked, giving him a strange look. "I dreamt that evil elves were attacking my socks," Olaf admitted sheepishly. "Weird," Sunny shouted from the backseat. "Ookay," Klaus said, "Now, let's find some way to get Esme to shut up." "No shut!" Esme hollered. "Yes, shut," Olaf said. "You need to be quiet so we can think." "No think!" Esme said defiantly. "Oh, be quiet, you big baby!" Klaus yelled, surprising himself with the anger in his voice. Esme began to wail. Violet got scared and hid in the trunk, shaking and whining. Esme began to scream louder, and Sunny started to cry, adding to the racket. "Now, now," Olaf said, "Maybe some music will calm us down." He switched the radio on, and it started to play the Littlest Elf theme, causing the others to get even angrier. Klaus watched from a distance, trying to get them to calm down.

"Now….. Maybe…… Will you just….." Klaus said, getting cut off every time he tried to speak. "Will you all just _SHUT UP_?" Everyone immediately stopped shouting. "Will everyone please not panic? I think I know how to get out of here." He turned to Olaf. "And will you shut that thing off?" Olaf switched the radio off. "Now listen. Esme, stop whining, it's not impressing anyone. Olaf, stop being so nice, it's creepy. Violet, there's nothing to be afraid of, so please stop acting afraid of everything. And Sunny, will you please stop crying? Now, I need someone to give me the cooler." Violet handed him the cooler. "I'm going to chuck this out the window." "But then we won't have any food," Violet said. "Uh, I'm kind of trying to break the window," Klaus said, tossing the cooler at the front window.

It broke, sending glass everywhere. "Everyone out of the car…… NOW," Klaus ordered. Everyone clambered out of the car and spilled onto the road. "There, problem solved," Olaf said, scooping up his girlfriend and carrying her down the street. He hailed a taxi, then got in and drove off. "Now what?" Klaus asked. "We fix up this car and use it as a mode of transportation, of course," Violet said. "Monstapimp," Sunny said, which meant "Maybe we could find a payphone and call one of those reality shows that fix up cars." "That's a great idea!" Klaus said. "Maybe the radio works." He turned on the radio and shifted channels until dance club music started to play. "I like to move it, move it," Sunny chanted, and her siblings joined in. Violet found some tools in the trunk and started to fix the car.

About five minutes later, the siblings were well on their way. To where, I do not know, but reports have indicated the remains of a car near Las Vegas. I am not sure where the siblings stayed, or how much money they won at Blackjack, but I can tell you that they were rocking out as they drove the car down the road and towards a new place, new experiences, and possibly new friends.

THE END

**_Yeah, I know the ending was slightly lame, but hey! A lame fanfic such as this is doomed to end in a lame way, just as a good chili-and-cheese omelette is doomed to end up in my stomach. (Hey, don't nock it until you've tried it! They're actually very good!)_**


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